Ollie passed away this past spring. Grief continues to swell and sway within my heart and life as it does with every kind of loss. Some days are better than others yet all days are different now. A few days ago, it was six months since he died. And more quickly than I can imagine, it will be one year without his boundless joy coursing through my days.

As I accept the tide changes of this fresh grief, I’ve been taking notes on the things I’ve learned from Ollie that have forever changed me.

Here are a handful of them for you.

Wherever this finds you in relationship to your own grief, I hope you find something here in these words that you can take with you on your journey.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM OLLIE

1. Always lead with kindness. Be tender, gentle. Lean toward every stranger and every friend. Show them you are interested; show them you care. The showing goes so much further than the telling.

2. Be endlessly curious. Never lose your spontaneity, your desire to explore, and your quest for seeing the same things in a new light every day. Be willing to travel new and old trails looking at things through fractured light, bursts of light, through darkness and shadow too. All of it counts.

3. Leave little things around the house for the people that you love. Offer them little reminders that you’re watching over them, that you see them.

4. Be quick to play, quick to laugh. Look for slivers of time in everyday life where you can make something boring more playful. Initiate laughter when things are tense. The mind cannot tell the difference between real and imagined laughter — so laugh as often as you can. Bring the energy you want into the spaces and moments that most need it.

5. Be eager to know your people more deeply. Continue to discover more of them. Please don’t just lean on what you already know. Instead, allow what you already know to catapult you into even more exploration. You can know someone a long time and yet discover them again and again.

6. Cherish the early morning hours before the day begins. Get up early and steal your person’s favorite chair. Watch them make morning coffee and breathe deeply. Take it all in — the love you hold for each other and the earliest rays of sun before everyday life really begins. Cuddle over coffee, even if for a few moments to set the tone for the day with connection and warmth.

7. Remind your people how much you love them in their favorite ways. However they love to be loved, do that. And if you don’t  know, return to curiosity, to discovering who they are and how they long to receive love.

8. Remember that there isn’t any life without darkness so embrace the darkness whenever it visits you. Let yourself feel it. It is not time that heals all our wounds; it is what we do with that time. When you spend your life filling  your days and distracting yourself from the intensity of your pain, the pain only lingers and gets stronger. What is unexpressed within us only falls out of us sideways anyway. So bark when you need to bark, cry out when you need to cry out. Let yourself feel the heaviness until you start to feel its energy changing form within you. Then shake it all out and through you.

9. Nourishment is essential for wellbeing. And nourishment is holistic in nature. Eat nourishing meals made of whole foods. Hydrate well. Brush your teeth daily. Take a bath or shower, even when you don’t want to take the time. Walk daily. Stretch your legs and your spirit however you can. Learn something new, try a new activity or project that invokes growth. Connect with your favorite people in playful & intimate ways. 

10. Be willing to leave yesterday in yesterday. Make each new day a new beginning. This won’t be easy yet it is a practice that can strengthen our resilience and our joy while reducing our anxiety. If helpful, create a bedtime ritual to support you in laying down the heaviness before sleep so you no longer bring it into your dreams nor your tomorrows. 

11. Sleep in once in awhile. Or take an afternoon nap. Give yourself permission to stretch out in your bed and linger. Let your legs dangle over the side too.

12. Separations are hard. When we’re separate from our favorite people, it changes us in some ways. Keep going in their honor when you are apart. Explore the silence and who you are within it. Then listen attentively when they return. If they don’t, let them go as gently as you can.

13. It’s okay to tremble. Let yourself tremble. Let yourself feel the shiver. Let yourself feel the hollowed-out feeling. Being gutted means you love deeply and that your grief is simply love with nowhere to go now. 

14. Never interrupt the meeting or zoom sessions of your favorite people. You’ll get more attention and loving care when you choose to take your naps during these times. If you’re bored, learn to engage and entertain yourself. Patience deepens connection. 

15. Embrace your bedhead. The people that are meant for you love the bedhead in you. Embrace the classic side-eye too; it comes in handy once in awhile.

16. Be as open to the receiving as to the giving. Please don’t keep score either. Let yourself flow between each one. We are not all the same and we speak different languages. Learn to ask specifically for what you need so you can receive what you specifically need. 

17. Snuggle. There’s always room for snuggling. Sometimes that’s the best part.

18. No matter how old you get, never lose your childish wonder. This doesn’t mean “don’t be wise.” It does mean choose wonder instead of judgment. 

19. Use your voice. Use your words. Sometimes it’s the only way to be truly heard. If you sound the alarm and bark, follow with gentleness though. 

20. Listen to the wind. Smell it. It has so much to teach you. Life is busy, fast, and full but it doesn’t have to be when listening to the wind. Seriously, take a moment and listen to the wind today. It makes us better humans. I became more kind and patient when I started listening to the wind with Ollie. I traded in rushing for stillness — even just for a few moments everyday. It really made a difference. On the days when I was rushing him or pushing him along on our walks, those were the days when I wasn’t listening to the wind.

21. Add spontaneity to your life however you can. Abandon the shoulds and live like the front gate was left open.

22. Leave messages for your friends out in the world. Trust they’ll find them.