On Coming Out

PART ONE

ON COMING OUT

By virtue of being human, we have all been called to live, love, & lead out loud without hesitation or exception.

Most of you in this community know I lived a closeted life for years—until the oxygen of that closet ran dry. There was so much loss at stake that I buried myself in my career, community, a spine injury recovery, and everyday activities, trying to drown out the consistent pulse of my innermost knowing.

I had loved deeply in the closet. I had grieved deeply in the closet too.

My dying mother’s gentle nudge to live with courage, conviction, & authenticity still rings loudly in my ear. She knew the stakes would be high for me as a gay woman, particularly in our family, faith community, & culture. She wasn’t wrong either.

Coming out is equal parts liberation & loss. Yet standing on the sacred ground of one’s truth & breathing freely is absolutely everything.

I came out in my thirties, one conversation at a time. Some conversations brought us more closely together. For others, it was the last real conversation we’ve ever had. And yes, my family dynamic hasn’t been the same since.

The loss has been great.

Yet the liberation has saved my life.

There’s so much more I could say on this National Coming Out Day but I’ll leave you with this:

LOVE WELL. It is the answer to every question we ask ourselves. It the beginning and the end of every issue when we listen closely.

May loving well be the first and last thing we choose to practice without exception, ridicule, or restraint. May this practice be on our hearts as we vote this November. May we soften into its wisdom even when we don’t understand.

Loving well will ask of our courage.

It will demand our conviction.

It will honor the truth within each of us as humans.

Loving well is how we all breathe freely and there is nothing more holy than being free.

PART TWO

THE STAKES OF LEAVING THE CLOSETED LIFE

We all have a coming-out-of-the-closet experience in our lives. 

Every single one of us. 

Breaking through the shame, the ‘shoulds,’ the fears, the limiting beliefs, and courageously stepping into who we really are.

Even when the stakes are high.

Let’s remember that before the pride of coming out is even possible, there must first be the practice of courage. 

Stepping beyond a closet takes courage and courage isn’t easy. We frequently attempt to forecast the possible outcomes and weigh our next steps against the probabilities. We assess who might join us in championing our courage and who might walk the other way. Sometimes we stand still at the threshold of our truth for days, weeks, or years.

I know this well. I stood still, at the threshold of my truth for years.

I denied it, then I resisted it. When living my truth became more important than any loss I would endure, I moved beyond the closet doorway of shame and into the freedom of being gay.

Those potential losses of which I was afraid? Yes, they happened. Honestly too many to count. My personal coming out story is chock full of losing others and reclaiming myself.

As a woman raised in a loving yet deeply religious family, there were (and continue to be) plenty of challenging moments where my sexuality is sadly positioned against my spirituality. God has always felt bigger to me than that. Studying biblical theology in college helped expand my perspective too.

Every National Coming Out holiday, I smile deeply and take a long walk in active remembrance of how far I’ve traveled to reach fresh air and freedom after spending years living in a quiet darkness. I laugh and cry simultaneously. I feel it all. I allow it to open me. It takes deep courage to love out loud and it’s something I’m still learning how to practice.

I also think of the many marginalized souls not yet fully breathing, perhaps still living in closets (of any kind) or trying to survive in familial or societal captivity in all its forms. Hungry to cross over into the oxygen of their truth yet struggling to know how, when, and if they will survive the magnitude of loss they may experience.

These are revolutionary times; we are all being called to wake up and courageously work to dismantle the separation, division, and the rhetoric of fear that keeps closets and suffocation of every kind so rampant in this society. Until we all breathe as ourselves without hesitation, may we choose to practice what will set every single one of us free.

When I was closeted, I frequently turned to the powerful words of Dr. Maya Angelou to encourage me to continue to choose myself and inch closer to the threshold of truth. Her words echo in my heart again today as I move through a new season of life thresholds too.

YOU ONLY ARE FREE WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU BELONG NO PLACE — YOU BELONG EVERY PLACE — NO PLACE AT ALL. THE PRICE IS HIGH. THE REWARD IS GREAT.

— DR. MAYA ANGELOU

We were never promised easy, friends. We weren’t promised a life without deep heartbreak too. We were promised true. May we work for that truth in every way.

PART THREE

TO THE ONE IN THE CLOSET TODAY

I know it’s hard. Life is messy.

The fires of division are hot. Empathy feels like a rare commodity everywhere whereas apathy and fear feel abundant. So does the ‘shoulds,’ shame, and the staggering heat of the darkness.

Your truth feels on trial.

Scratch that. Your truth is on trial.

There is so much to weigh, so little time to figure it all out, and every choice you consider feels too expensive. But please, friend, keep moving toward the doorway.

The closet is not equipped to either nourish you nor contain the depth of your goodness.

Your brilliance cannot be tamed, shunned, shaped, or diminished by any law, moral, dogma, or virtue. Quit talking yourself out of being yourself. Begin being who you were (divinely) made to be. The permission you are looking for is your own.

I know you are scared. I feel the terror in your mind and the brokenness of your heart.

But please, please keep going, friend.

You needn’t cross the doorway today but if you’re reading this now, please move a little closer somehow, in some way.

Move just a little closer to oxygen today. Whatever oxygen may mean for you.

Coming out—in all its forms—asks of our courage in day-to-day practice. It isn’t a one-time thing or one brave moment. It’s choosing our truth over and over, regardless of the endless perspectives around us. It’s also about getting quiet enough to hear our truth too.

You know what kind of quiet I mean, don’t you? The kind of quiet a closet loves to offer.

A small space that serves as a kind of comfort in the beginning, an echo chamber of our secrets in the middle, and sadly, can become a brutal net of emotional and spiritual suffocation at its end.

The fears are real. Full stop.

Your dream of freedom and living the fullest expression of yourself is too.

You owe us nothing. You owe them nothing—whomever them might be in your life.

Please take all the ache you feel inside right now and let it live, breathe, and heal beyond these walls. You belong out here —as you are—living in the light of day.

It will be hard, yes. It will get better too.

So come out, friend. Come out as you are.

And if you cannot come out today, please keep moving toward the door.

This closet can never hold the brilliance that is you.

I see you. I love you. I was you.

— Tonyalynne