“Empathy is the skill or ability to tap into our own experiences in order to connect with an experience someone is relating to us or experiencing in our midst. Compassion is the willingness to be open to this process.”

— Brené Brown

Empathy has been on my mind lately. The transformative power of its presence and the thunderously quiet cloud of despair born from its absence.

The Call to Empathy in the Post-Election Riptide

The US general election just wrapped this past week. Empathy was on the ballot and no matter who you voted for, empathy is needed now more than ever.

Yet that’s part of the core issue, isn’t it? 

We humans love to reserve our empathy primarily for those who agree with us. Yet withdrawing empathy out of fear, anger, rage, judgment, or cynicism will only make things more divisive. 

Our trouble is believing that empathy is the same thing as agreement. It’s not — it’s meeting on the bridge of our shared humanity whether we like each other or not.

We have to find the courage to practice empathy for every human — even if they live differently, love differently, or vote differently. We must practice it even when we are not modeled empathy by our friends, family, neighbors, or leaders. We must choose empathy even when we do not understand.

Empathy is most needed when we least want to practice it.

The Atmosphere of Empathy

We notice empathy when it shows up; it lightens the darkest of hours and reminds us of our strength and resilience.

When it doesn’t appear within reach, the dark feels endless and deeply isolating. Despair overwhelms and emotional safety dissolves.

Empathy appears finite these days. From culture, class, and faith wars, economic strife in tension with economic wealth, and one ‘ism’ pushed up against another ‘ism,’ the atmosphere of empathy feels thin when the truth feels perpetually on trial and we’re all just trying to survive and take care of ourselves.

Everything I just wrote commands our empathy — no matter where we live. Yet when we’re bloody weary, it requires digging deep to access its wellspring.

Survival Instincts

Since forever, we’ve been taught to put on our own oxygen mask first so we are more equipped to help those next to us in applying their own. 

But when oxygen and plain old truth feel like rare commodities, it sometimes feels like we’re grasping for our own mask and holding on tightly, choosing to breathe in deeply what we desire for our own survival while disregarding—consciously or not—if our neighbor might need some assistance to breathe deeply too.

While we are fumbling for those oxygen masks, attempting to make it through at all costs, we have forgotten that staying connected to each other and honoring our shared humanity is the true cornerstone of survival.

Empathy is the oxygen we’re all reaching for these days.

You see, survival in isolation isn’t survival; it’s more like just an extension of time. However, survival in connection to something larger than ourselves is everything, often becoming the birthplace of our purpose.

For example, those who survive life-changing experiences frequently spend the rest of their lives advancing the work of that which helped them survive. (The Courage Practice itself is an example of this.)

Despite how it may feel right now, empathy is not finite at all. It is endless and renews itself daily within us if we let it. 

And yes, sometimes it will take deep courage to practice it.

What Does Practicing Empathy Look Like?

Empathy is indeed a practice; a skill to be learned, shaped, and strengthened like any other talent. And yes, some days we are called to dig deep in order to practice it.

Above all, it requires making a compassionate choice; empathy does not proclaim its presence but rather awaits our daily choice before making itself known. In short, we don’t wake up feeling empathetic; we have to choose it.

Practicing empathy looks like making the choice to feel with someone in their given circumstance while looking them in the eye and loving them in the midst of their circumstance. 

This doesn’t mean honoring from afar, mind you. This means honoring alongside of.

There is no denying that putting on our own masks and taking care of ourselves is our inherent responsibility. 

But sometimes the “taking care of ourselves” line is mistaken for only one’s self. However, no wise teacher nor any of the world’s wisdom traditions reference self-care without also mentioning the care and love of our neighbors, no matter their circumstance. In flight analogy terms, “taking care of ourselves” simply means “my mask and so too your mask.”

Choosing to practice empathy is hard, particularly when our own survival seems most paramount or when we fear helping others will short-change ourselves. 

(This is lie told by the establishment to keep us at each other’s throats, by the way, instead of commanding systemic change all together.)

When Empathy Creates Safety (And When It Doesn’t)

Sometimes the moments we cannot embrace the practice of empathy is due to a lack of (or a falling away of) emotional safety. In these moments, we humans benefit from empathy being shown toward us, particularly from those most unwilling to give it.

That said, we must be real in our empathy.

When conditional regard is masking as empathy, this dilutes emotional safety even more. It’s essential for humans to practice empathy in a genuine way — otherwise, we fall into dangerous territory.

False empathy is emotional manipulation.

For example, when we extend empathy toward someone across the aisle of understanding, do we want understanding in return? If so, that's not empathy. Empathy is feeling with them even when we cannot fathom their position or perspective. And vice versa.

On the days when practicing genuine empathy is realistically out of reach and we haven’t the energy to dig deep, we are called to turn inward and take care of ourselves. To return to putting our own oxygen mask in place so we have the means of reaching beyond ourselves again.

Empathy must begin within — so it can spill out.

Empathy has healing properties beyond connection too. Empathy is known by neuroscience as an inner practice that strengthens our heart muscle, expands our cognitive function, improves our natural confidence, sharpens our decision-making, and cleanses free radicals from our system.

Our Future Needs More Empathy

The more we practice empathy, the less fear we possess and the less“other-ing” we’ll do in our day-to-day lives. We will acknowledge our differences without disdain or superiority. We’ll begin to engage in what we don’t understand with deeper curiosity too.

Staying vigilant to our practice and our own experiences with empathy will be challenging. Some days — intensely challenging. Harshness abides and it’s far easier to employ after all. Yet our future needs us to dig deep and choose something more enriching, more life-giving — even and especially when we’re burnt out or downright scared.

One thing I know for sure is that I’d rather live in a society regularly fumbling in its practice of empathy than throwing up our hands and succumbing to the everyday vitriol of living without it. That’s a recipe for becoming what we most fear.

Everywhere we look, our culture is reaching for oxygen.

We’ll find it in practicing empathy.

Let’s take good care of ourselves — and each other,